My Journey with Medication and Mental Health
So you’ve got the medicine. You’ve got the counseling. Everything is fixed now, right?
Wrong.
It took several months and multiple increases to find the right dosage of the right medications. I had suffered from clinical depression for many years without treatment. I was so far gone that I felt like a whole new person. But not me. Who was this person who didn’t wake up feeling immediate despair? When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone different. I was confused because it didn’t match what I was feeling on the inside.
I went to counseling. Sat on the couch. Spilled my guts on everything I’ve ever dealt with my entire life for the entire hour. Then, I went home still without the coping tools that I so desperately needed. So what did that mean? Increase the medication dosage. 25mg became 50mg. 50mg become 100mg. I left my counseling appointments feeling like nothing was changing. I received a letter in the mail from my counselor stating that she was quitting her practice and moving on. Oh great, I thought. Now I have to break in a new counselor. This thought was so daunting that I just decided to quit. I had the medication anyway, so I didn’t need to do the work.
Wrong.
One year after starting on Zoloft, I realized that I was not an active participant in my life. I spoke with my provider. We decided it might be a good idea to try a new medication. So began my Prozac era. This was not a good era for me. I knew almost instantly that this medication made me feel crazy. Not just different or weird, but certifiably insane. So on to the next, and the next.
Finally, after asking different questions and using different scales, my provider realized that I also suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I only had a few anxiety attacks in my life so this took me by surprise. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal to have anxiety attacks, even rarely. It wasn’t normal to not be able to walk into a room full of people by myself. I constantly worried about everything that could go wrong. This happened anytime I or my children did anything. Well, now I had a word for that too.
Anxiety.
Depression.
So we tried another medication for depression AND anxiety. That did not work. Added a new medication on top of the current one for anxiety. This helped, but there was still something missing. Added another medication and voila! Secret sauce!
So now you are thinking, “Why is this person detailing her entire medication history on this pointless blog? How is this supposed to help me?” The answer is simple: Solidarity, sister. Or brother. We are all in this journey together. It is messy. It is not perfect. There is no algorithm that can take you from where you are to where you are supposed to be. But, through hard work and dedication, you can get there! The first medication might not help. The second medication might not help. Eventually, you will find a combination that will help you feel more like a human! Do not give up! You are truly worth it!
Some of us have to buy our serotonin, and that is okay! I have since found new hobbies and coping strategies and a new career that I love more than anything!
Continue on with me find out how I keep contending with my mental health. If you are struggling with your mental health please reach out to a medical professional! There is hope for all of us!
