Breaking the Stigma: My Journey to Mental Health
Hello, friends! There are so many thoughts/ questions/ etc. that I want to share with you! The number one goal that I have for this blog is to normalize mental health. To normalize needing to take medications to keep your serotonin levels regulated. I want to help remove the stigma. I aim to create a community for like-minded people. Join me on this journey. This first blog post is going to be a large word-vomit of my journey toward mental health. I am still a work in progress!
When I was younger, I assumed there was something wrong with me. Other kids seemed to be so completely happy ALL of the time. Maybe they had bad moods too, but they were nothing like what I was feeling. I would have small moments of joy after specific things, followed by an emptiness that I could not fill. Not for lack of trying! Have you ever taken a delicious bite out of a warm chocolate chip cookie and felt absolutely euphoric? Then, you take another bite and you think “It does not get any better than this!” When the cookie is gone, so is the feeling. Naturally, you reach for another cookie! Yet, no matter how many cookies you eat, the feeling just does not stick around. This is exactly how I felt with every single joy-bringing thing that I tried to cram into my mind/body/soul.
Fast-track a few years and I’m an adult. I’m in an adult relationship full of euphoria-bringing moments followed by so much emptiness. Why do I stay in a relationship that makes me feel empty? The serotonin hits! I have become a serotonin junkie. Indescribable lows followed by such sweet, sweet highs that I completely forget my own self-worth. (If self-worth is something I even had to start with at this point.) I just assume that this is what my life is meant to be like.
Eventually, I grow tired of the endless cycle of burn, build up, repeat. I move on to new serotonin hits. New cycles of sadness and joy. I know this is not normal. I know other people do not struggle like I do. During a gynecologist appointment with an old, chauvinistic doctor, I tried to reach out for help. I cried. I explained how empty and depressed I felt during this season of life. I was getting divorced at the ripe age of 24. I had been cheated on, lied to, and driven into the mud on a daily basis. This old man looked me right in the eyes and said “You are too young for medication. I suggest that you find the things in your life that are making you feel this way, and remove them.” Uh, what? Isn’t that what I’m doing? Maybe I just need time.
Until, I find the one person sent from heaven specifically for me. This person took in all of my flaws. They showed me that I did not have to live in this vicious cycle. I could be in a relationship full of love and laughter and void of mistreatment. So, why did I not feel whole? Why did I still need to chase serotonin highs? Maybe this is truly how it was meant to be. I mean, I had the guy after all! Life couldn’t be that bad!
Fast forward a few more years. I am 27. I have a 2-year-old and an infant. I am staying home with my daughters and let me tell you, they are the ultimate serotonin hits! When I am feeling low, simply looking in their sweet eyes gives me the largest hit I could hope for. This is it! I have finally found it! This is how I am going to get through the rest of my life. I have a wonderful man who makes me feel loved. I also have the sweetest, most pure love of the little people we created.
Hello curveball: my sister is sick. My rock. The other half of my brain. Her cancer is back and she is throwing in the towel. She has decided that fighting the first time was way too much for her. She doesn’t want to go through treatment again. But how am I supposed to cope with this? I do not have the required coping skills. I also do not have the serotonin supply that I need to get through this. Every single day I was in despair. Such utter despair that even my little serotonin hits could not cheer me up. I spent most days laying beside her. We watched Greys Anatomy on TV. She slowly gave up on life. I wondered how I was ever going to continue in mine without her.
I finally started to realize that there probably was something truly wrong with me. I also realized that if I did not get some help, I was going to be in big trouble. So I finally caved. I called and made “the appointment.” The appointment day came. I aired all of my dirty laundry to this sweet little nurse practitioner. I have to credit her for saving my life. She didn’t hesitate. She didn’t blink. She saw my suffering and extended an olive branch. She started me on a low dose of Zoloft that very day. She also sent me to a counselor to help sort out my feelings. This was just the start of my mental health journey but what a great start it was!
Continue on with me find out how I keep contending with my mental health. If you are struggling with your mental health please reach out to a medical professional! There is hope for all of us!
